Melody's thoughts

Hmm... I seem to be fighting God right now. I love him and would give my life in a moment, then why is it so hard to stand up and say what he has done for me? God is challenging me to share my testimony and each day I go, "but God do I have to?". I have always gotten my way out of it. I guess I am just scared to open up to people I don't know. I am unsure if they will love me after they know my life. Will they care that it is so hard for me to share? I gave my testimony in STAT but it was at the very end and I knew everyone so well and trusted everyone. Guess God wants to stretch me for something bigger he has in store coming up.
Christmas is quickly coming! I went shopping today and pretty much got everything. I have a few odds and ends to pick up yet. I had been making a list and just went out and got stuff. Easy does it.
Well, it is almost eight and I was suppose to be in bed two hours ago.

p.s. I am trying to get out of working new year's eve. I was talking to my boss and saying how I didn't feel safe working by myself then, but I would come in late. We'll see what happens.

"I was eight-teen and working at a near by gas station for some cash. I worked the night shift and normally was working by myself and only given a short list of duties to be done each night. Now for security reasons we had cameras throughout the store, but the people in charge decided that I wasn't safe enough so I got a co-worker.
The one night while working a co-worker and I decided to look at the videos from the past day to see what was going on and who was really working. As we came to my shift where I worked alone I became uneasy. I know I chilled too long, I fooled around a lot, I talked to my friends, and yes, I did sit down while doing paper work. Though I knew I wouldn't get in trouble I was still nervous and maybe a little embarrassed. I know I am a hard worker when I want to be, but when by myself I don't have any reason to work hard, just do bare minimal.
While sitting in that chair staring at the screen, I started reflecting on the last year of my life. If I could sit now and watch the past year would I be ashamed? What would I do if I was sitting there as God watched it with me. I couldn't jump and push fast forward to show him where I did pray. I couldn't put it in slow motion to make it look like I read my Bible longer. I just had to take what was coming. I knew better then to do what I did and now it was too late to change the past. I start crying as I see the sin I was stuck in.
While at my job I had to just sit there, excuses would not be of any help now. As I squirmed in my chair I was happy to see that on that night I did do a lot of work, and my boss was happy with the job I did.
But I know God would not be happy with the year I have lived...
All the times I messed up, all the times I played with my guy instead of praying with him. The times where I looked into the mirror and cursed my body when really I should have been praising God for the beautiful lady I am.
As I sit with God wishing I could run away I realize something. He doesn't seem mad, in fact is that compassion in His eyes? I look at the screen and see the time I was so hurt and just spent hours with God crying and wondering how he was still loving me, the very girl that cursed his creation hours before, that girl who spent more time with a guy then with her God. That's when I understood, I can never understand His love.
Now the real decision is what will be my choices next year? Will I have changed, or will I be playing this video all over again?"


by: Melody Weidner
Thanksgiving Day November 23rd 2006.

Yeah, God is being real with me so I thought I would write down my thoughts. I wrote it down quick and then thought maybe someone could learn from my journal post. Hope it helps someone! Even if it makes you just think.

So I thought I would give an update between my work hours.

Life is uhh okay? There are so many feelings and the such.

Okay everyone I'm single, Brook is single, we are friends. Brook is a great guy and my best friend, now leave him alone because I love him to death and I really want to stop rumors.

I caught a mouse last night at work. (this morning?)

Tonight was the first time I played on worship team for youth group, we are all new and it sounded bad. But it was cool. I was able to read some Bible verses, I think I like reading...now if only Virdeliz's mic was on.

So I somehow ended up working on Thanksgiving, quite bummed. But I guess it really doesn't matter since my family has really fallen apart. My grandmother who normally hosts Thanksgiving is in the hospital (please keep praying). My brother is never around for holidays because he spends them with A.j. So that leaves me and my parents and my parents are going out. I guess it is better I work then am alone at home, and I think Julie Dunst was going to bring me some food. =) I love that lady.

God has been really good to me. The other day I was just spending time with him and he kept speaking to me in a really personal way. I almost cried because I was so happy to just be with God again. But then today (yesterday?) I was spending time with him and he was showing me stuff I was not so happy about but if it is his plan let it be done.

At youth group we are having people share their testimonies and God was (is) challenging me to share mine, but I don't know what to share, and I am very picky about sharing what has happened in my life. I know I shouldn't be ashamed and I should let my life be known so others can grow from me, I just wish I wasn't so ashamed. Maybe God will take this feeling away? Maybe I won't have to share my testimony? Maybe I can get through my testimony without crying? I don't know I feel so blessed by my life and how God has been using me, it is just so hard to open up and share.

Okay I am going to stop since this post ended up way longer then I had expected. O, thanks for all the replies to the last post! I will take some into action.

Wow I am so excited for all that is being planned. I am having a girl's night for my prayer group which I am mad excited about. Next weekend is the leadership retreat. Friday night is midnight bowling.
Work has been going good, they have a guy with me now at night. He is a really cool and funny guy too. Last night we had a mouse in the girl's bathroom and we were running all around trying to catch it. I stepped on it's tail and it still got away. Crazy thing.
I got asked out again. Crazy how as soon as you are single guys start asking away, now if only the guy I wanted to ask knew I was alive yet...
Rachel Fuhrman comes in one month!!!! I cannot wait. And I cannot wait till Rachel and I go on our road trip. Two best friends, one Mustang, and Sr. license equals mad fun for a week. I am already saving up. Anyone have ideas where to go? What needs to be seen in America or Canada (Rachel would need a passport though)?
Ya know I really do wonder who reads my blog.

I miss my STAT friends.

Scotland was amazin'.

And it is hard to think that yesterday morning I was in London!

God is really doing amazing things in my life and I just feel like day to day I need to get a better outlook on life. I am a living witness of God, I say I am a Christian and have to act it out. I love God so much that I want what is best.

I realized in Scotland how awesome Heidi and Nate are. I might be calling them up to hang sometime. =)

Life still has major issues for me right now, each day is a new problem it seems like. I am deciding a lot right now and just trying to let God just heal what has happened.

It has been hard because I came home to find out my Nana isn't doing too well with the cancer and my other Grandmother got cancer while I was away and has been going to the hospital. I just praise God for them being Christians.

I really love my mom right now. I came home and was just pouring out myself to her and her response was "Let's pray about this." And so we did! I think that was the first time I prayed with my mom since I was twelve. I really have been working on getting relationships right. Today Jim was talking about being a peace maker and I really tend to be the peace faker where I just avoid conflict. Lately I have just been facing it, life has conflicts and I can't help that. I need to stand up for myself and show people I am worth respecting. You can't walk over me and expect to get away with it. And guys leave me alone unless you are sincere and want to treat me right.